[T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●●○○

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AllWrighty
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[T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●●○○

Post by AllWrighty »

Turnabout Scoop (needs reworked lol):

A rookie defense attorney/journalist Simon Scoop has to defend his best friend (who's also a journalist) for the murder of their boss, Jorge York. He has to cross-examine the crazy janitor of the company in the Trial Former and take down the real criminal in the Trail Latter. Will he be able to protect his best friend? Play to find out! :judge: :apollo: :objection:

http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=79870

Trial Latter is out now! Can Simon catch the real killer?

http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=80128

Turnabout Acceleration:

Alex and Simon go to the Grand Prix 2000 to cover the racing event, but during a practice run, a famous race car driver fatally crashes and the head of his pit crew is arrested for sabatoging his racecar. Simon believes there is more to the story and decides to defend the man.

Investigation Day 1: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=80483

Trial Day 1: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=88797

Investigation Day 2: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=89254

Trial Day 2: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=90020

:gotcha:

The Smuggled Turnabout:

When the York Newspaper Company seems to be going on hard times financially, Simon hesitantly accepts the case of a member of a criminal gang who is accused of attempting to smuggle weapons through an airport. In need of advice, Simon turns to a lawyer who is a part of his and Alex's past.

Investigation Day 1: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=101156

Day 1 Trial Former: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=104368

Day 1 Trial Latter https://aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=109287

Day 2 Investigation https://aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=113760


A Turnabout Divided [In Planning]:

A hostage-taking in the Detention Center leads to the retrial of a case from Simon and Alex's past.
Last edited by AllWrighty on Sat Mar 02, 2024 5:39 pm, edited 24 times in total.
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Gizmological
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Re: Turnabout Scoop

Post by Gizmological »

SoC:
Spoiler : :
  • Simon Scoop. We already have puns. This is a good sign.
  • Also, an attorney/journalist combo. Interesting.
  • "Simon wake up!!!!!!!!!" That's a whole lot of exclamation points. Maybe tone those down and add in an "Anger" sound. It tends to have the same effect.
  • The floor plan isn't a floor plan, but rather a description of the office layouts. That's... different. Try taking a look here.
  • "Easy for you to say" - Four liner. Try to avoid anything over 3 lines.
  • Also, "Newspaper article added to the Court Record", maybe?
  • Manuel. Yeah, he seems like a jerk.
  • It's Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayne.
  • "Well then shall we get this up and moving..." Four liner
  • Also, Lunch date? Don't be silly, Payne. Nobody would want to go to lunch with you.
  • Oh, the Orly sprite is in the cocouncil bench? I guess she doesn't look too out of place.
  • Woah, that was an abrupt cut to the detective. Normally the prosecution calls him out or something.
  • "The defendant entered" - Four liner. I'm not going to keep pointing these out, but you should really take care of them.
  • Also, I guess you're not announcing any of the evidence entering the Court Record.
  • WOW. You weren't kidding about the hothead thing.
  • And she gets dragged out. Sure.
  • No cross examination of the detective? Okay...
  • "I don't need to tell you whippersnapper any of my personal information!" I think that should be whippersnapper>>s<<
  • I just noticed the Judge's profile shows in the CR, but doesn't have a description. You may want to just not show his profile, as he never gets one in the games.
  • Dirty Don. Nice.
  • "What I saw darn tootin'" Yup. He's a grumpy old man, all right.
  • Let's see. He says he used the key card but his name's not in the log.
  • Yup.
  • Back entrance? Why didn't he just tell us about that from the start?
  • So this happened after the murder, right? But the knife wasn't taken out of the body.
  • There's normally some kind of SFX when it goes to the close up shot of an attorney's face. I'd stick a shouting effect in there myself.
  • Wait what. I just found a contradiction, offered my theory and I'm all of a sudden getting a guilty verdict? Come on 'Udgey, hear me out at least.
  • So, it's the floor plan for this testimony, right?
  • No, okay then I- OH HI MEGA PENALTY.
  • I'm... stuck.
  • Wait..........................................................................................................."he?"
  • Heh, trick questions. Always a bit of fun. Plus, I'm a moron.
  • Okay, I'll give you that. That was a pretty nice puzzle. But doesn't he work in the same building as Alex? Surely he would've known about her gender. Even if he didn't, does that mean this guy came into court to testify without knowing who he was testifying against? It's a nice puzzle but it seems very unlikely.
  • Could it have been me? YES. BEST PLOT TWIST.
  • Okay, not me.
  • Well, the only one left is Manuel.
  • To be continued. Oooooooooh.
My thoughts:
Spoiler : :
Well let's start with the pros. You've got some nice puzzles and you seem to know how to use the editor properly, which is one of the most important things. Grammar and spelling were pretty much spot-on from what I could tell. Plus, I quite liked some of the humour in this case.

As for things that could be improved, format is a big thing here. You've got a few four-liners. In fact, you've got some five and six liners as well. As I said in my stream, try to stick to three lines. If you need to break up a sentence into smaller parts, use ellipsis to break off at the end and continue on the next frame. For example:

Frame one: "Please call your next witness..."
Frame two: "...to the stand, Mr. Payne."

Your writing was okay. You appear to be going a little bit overboard on exclamation marks and such, so maybe tone those down a bit. Dialogue seems to flow nicely most of the time, but it can tend to get cut off quite abruptly.

As for your characters, I'm afraid there's not too much to say about them at the moment. You've got Manuel the jerk and Alex the hothead, but the other OCs seem a bit bland. Simon seems to share Apollo's personality and Don just has the "grumpy old man" thing going for him. The detective only got about 10 frames for himself, so there's not much to work with in that respect.

I'd also like to note that the first cross examination doesn't really have a lot going for it. The puzzle's there, sure, but why did Don make that mistake in the first place? You had to establish there was a back exit, sure. But Don had no reason to lie like that. The whole CE just isn't really explained at all.

I think that's everything I wanted to say. For now, I think you should brush up this case a bit and take a look at the tutorials section for pointers on puzzle design, writing and format. Those things are a huge help for any case maker.

So there's my take on everything. It's not like I'm a professional case maker myself or anything, but I saw fit to give a few pointers. I'll be keeping an eye on your progress and I'll make sure to play the latter stage when it comes out.

Good luck with it all!
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Re: Turnabout Scoop

Post by Gamer2002 »

Spoiler : stream :
Evidences and profiles are visible before the intro.

Alex speaks in male voice.

Detective showed too suddenly. Use fade out. Not to mention, Payne should say his opening statement.

Way too many lines in Sketchitt’s description of crime.

You are using to many !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No CEing the detective?

Too brief introduction of Dirty Don.

So why he testified about using the card? This contradiction feels like a filler.

After Don interrupts the verdict Judge says too many lines.

Speaking of offices, floor plans don’t have written which offices are next to one another. If you want, I can draw you a floor plan.

We are only guessing that Manuel is responsible. Yes, he is the only option left, but generally it feels weak to me. Mostly because of a weak characterization.

Anyway, isn't Don working with everybody? How he doesn't know who is Alex?
It's very brief, 3 testimonies in ~350 frames. Characterization is lacking (very brief introductions), you need to fix presentation (a lot of lines occasionally happens, the floor plan) and you need to write Payne's opening statement.
Contradictions were rather fine, even if very easy (2-3 frames testimonies).

For a very first case, it's ok.
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Enthalpy
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Re: Turnabout Scoop

Post by Enthalpy »

I gave this case a quick playthrough. I was planning to give feedback, but do you still want it?

I noticed that you hadn't responded to either of the previous commenters, and you hadn't made any of the changes they recommended.
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
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Re: Turnabout Scoop

Post by AceAttorneyMaster111 »

If the case is unfinished, it should have [T] Turnabout Scoop • as the title for this topic. If the case is unfinished, it should have [T] Turnabout Scoop ○ as the title for the topic. Also, add one ○ onto the end for every sequel case you plan to make.

You should also use a Go to next trial in sequence action at the end of Trial former so the case goes right to trial latter when you finish former.

The plot of the case is pretty good, but it could use more detail. Grammar and formatting errors abound (forgetting periods, four-liners, etc.) Also, the characters could use some more development.
AllWrighty
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Turnabout Scoop Complete (:

Post by AllWrighty »

Trial Former:
http://aceattorney.sparklin.org/player. ... l_id=79870
Trial Latter:
http://aceattorney.sparklin.org/player. ... l_id=80128

I've completed the whole trial now! I hope that you enjoy (; :larry:
I'd love to hear feedback on my first fully completed trial. I hope to continue Simon Scoop, but I'll need some help with learning the ropes of investigations. (I have plenty of ideas for cases though)
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Enthalpy
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Re: Turnabout Scoop

Post by Enthalpy »

Please follow the showcasing rules here, so people can see quickly that what you're showcasing is a completed trial. It would also help you improve your showcase.

I'll post up my thoughts on the case after you get the first post cleaned up some.
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
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Re: Turnabout Scoop

Post by AceAttorneyMaster111 »

AceAttorneyMaster111 wrote:If the case is unfinished, it should have [T] Turnabout Scoop • as the title for this topic. If the case is unfinished, it should have [T] Turnabout Scoop ○ as the title for the topic. Also, add one ○ onto the end for every sequel case you plan to make.

You should also use a Go to next trial in sequence action at the end of Trial former so the case goes right to trial latter when you finish former.

The plot of the case is pretty good, but it could use more detail. Grammar and formatting errors abound (forgetting periods, four-liners, etc.) Also, the characters could use some more development.
You should have the title:

Code: Select all

[T] Turnabout Scoop •
on the thread unless you plan to make any sequel cases.
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Re: (T) Turnabout Scoop

Post by Enthalpy »

At risk of nagging, please follow the rules exactly. The brackets should be square [ not round (, and you do need dots to represent the number of cases in the series, so people know what to expect. What AceAttorneyMaster has is a good start, though you'll need to add empty dots for the unwritten cases in the series.

Remember, the full rules and the dots to copy-paste are here.
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
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Re: [T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●○○○

Post by Enthalpy »

Thank you! With the showcasing technicalities out of the way, onto my thoughts on the case:

Making a series as your first case puts you in an odd position: you have pledged to make this case the foundation for the rest of your series, but because it's your first case, you're still learning the basics of casemaking and can thus have cracks in that foundation. I’m going to focus on showing you some of those cracks now, so you can have an easier time later on.

I’m still puzzled by the concept. Simon is a lawyer who is also a journalist…? Those two professions don’t often go together. While I was playing the case, I was wondering if you were going to explain that, but you never did. This leaves me with questions like: How much journalism does Simon do? Why did Simon want to be a journalist and a lawyer? How does his journalism affect his role as an attorney? How does his defending affect his role as a journalist? What is journalism like, that it allows him to be an attorney on the side? What does this choice of double jobs say about Simon as a person? I was hoping that you’d address some of these questions, but you didn’t, which left me confused throughout the case.

I also noticed that when your characters speak, they don’t seem to remember context. People talk differently depending on their current emotions and the thoughts that are in the back of their head. In other words, how people talk depends on context. But in your writing, that doesn’t seem to be the case. This is a bit long, so I explain in the spoiler, with my thoughts in italics:
Spoiler : Explanation :
Simon: *snore* *snore* *snore*
Alex: Simon wake up!
Simon: Augh!!!! I'm awake! I'm awake!
Alex: What's the big deal Simon! You're sleeping on the day I could go to jail for murder!
The grammar could be improved, but the line makes sense. Anybody would be upset about that, and she is hotheaded.
Simon: I'm sorry. I just didn't get much sleep last night. I'm nervous ok!
In other words, Simon is so sleep-deprived that he could fall asleep on the spot. Alex will not be happy about this.
Alex: It's alright boss! You're going to do awesome I know you will!
Wait, what? Alex is supposed to be hotheaded. Shouldn’t she still be upset about Simon sleeping? She may want to try and reassure Simon, but she shouldn’t just forget his sleeping.
Simon: Hopefully 'cause I really screwed up with that article a few days ago. I really wanted to write it.
Wait, what? Your best friend could go to jail for murder, and you’re upset that you couldn’t write an article?
Alex: Don't feel bad! You'll get to write a big article. I know it!
Have these two just… forgotten that there is a murder trial about to start?
Simon: Easy for you to say. You got chosen to write that article! That article would've been awesome for my journalism career.
Wouldn’t that article have been awesome for Alex’s career as well? Right now, Alex is being a jerk. Alex should respond to this.
Alex: Maybe right now you should focus more on being a defense attorney rather than a journalist.
Why isn’t she calling Simon on being self-centered right now?
???: The girl's right. You're not even a good journalist, maybe you should just give up!
???: What's up co-workers! How are things going Pooper Scooper?
Huh? What adult would be this insulting? It would make sense for an elementary school bully, but not an adult…
Simon: (Ugh why does he have to be here!?)
Simon: This guy is Manuel York the victim's son and also my co-worker at York Newspaper Co.
Wait, his father died? I should be able to tell that from how he talks, but I can’t.
Simon: He's a smug and arrogant journalist who thinks he's better than everyone else.
Manuel: Think? Oh, I know!
Alex: Manuel, why are you here?
Manuel: I'm just here to wish you guys good luck. Meanwhile, I have to go help plan for my father's funeral.
He… just showed up to insult them and seem not to care about his father’s death? He should remember this is his father!
Manuel: See you guys later!
Alex: He really gets under my skin!
Simon: You're not the one being called Pooper Scooper!
Is Manuel really just there for us not to like him? He doesn’t seem to be anything more than that.
Bailiff: Mr. Attorney! The trial is about to begin!
Simon: Are you ready Alex?
Alex: As ready as I'll ever be boss!
But… the sleeping earlier? Shouldn’t she remind Simon about that? Shouldn’t they remember the article they were talking about?
Simon: Let's do this!
Like I tell almost all new authors, read this tutorial that I wrote about implicit definitions. This will save you a lot of time when making your next case.

On the case logic side, I like the idea behind the final contradiction in the first witness's testimony, and you also managed to have all the cross-examinations move the case forward while all the contradictions had some explanation. Good work there! That's a lot harder than it looks.

Let me know if you have any questions or thoughts about what I've written.
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
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Re: [T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●○○○

Post by AllWrighty »

Investigation Day 1 is out for Turnabout Acceleration. Would love to hear some feedback (:
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Re: [T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●○○○

Post by Enthalpy »

I've played through the case, and I have the same two comments as last time.

First I'm still confused by the lawyer-journalist idea. See two posts ago. I'll add that a two-person newspaper business seems very strange. Elaboration would be very, very welcome.

Second, the dialogue is still strange. Another user had a similar problem, and I talked at length about it here. I recommend that you read it over and then compare an excerpt from your dialogue, and then a piece of dialogue that I wrote myself.
Spoiler : Original Dialogue :
Simon: (I still can't believe that it's been a few weeks since my first court case.)
Alex: Simon you are never going to believe the scoop I have for us today!
Simon: Waah! You scared me half to death Alex.
Alex: Well aren't you going to ask me what the scoop is boss man?
Simon: (Sure, don't acknowledge the fact that I almost had a heart attack.)
Simon: What's the scoop Alex?
Alex: I got us the opportunity to interview the racers at the Grand Prix 2000!
Alex: Isn't that exciting?
Simon: The Grand Prix 2000?
Alex: Y'know... THE Grand Prix 2000...
Simon: ...
Alex: Seriously?!? The Grand Prix is the most famous race in the whole country.
Alex: Do you even watch TV?
Simon: I prefer books.
Alex: Regardless, if we're able to interview the racers our newspapers will sell like hotcakes.
Simon: Well what are we waiting for then? Let's head down there and get our scoop.
Alex: That's more like it! To the race track Boss!
October 10th, 1:00 p.m. Grand Prix Race Track
Alex: Wow! Can you believe it? We're actually here!
Simon: (I didn't know she was this into racing.)
Alex: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Simon: (What, what is it?!?)
Alex: ACE RACER!
Simon: (Good God I thought there was a murderer here or something. Not just a celebrity.)
Alex: Oh my gosh Ace, I'm your biggest fan.
Ace: Huh? Oh hey there. You're a fan?
Alex: Uh-huh.
Simon: (Yikes. Alex is drooling buckets over there.)
Ace can we have a word with you for our paper? ... oh please oh please
Ace: I would love too, but I can't dudette. I'm off to go practice for the race.
Ace: I could give you an autograph though.
Alex: That should suffice. Is it just me or is it hot out here?
Simon: (Oh brother...)
Ace: Here you go dudette.
Alex: Th-Thanks sir. Good luck today.
Ace: Don't worry dudette... I'm feeling victory this year.
Alex: Can you believe I got Ace's autograph? He's my favorite racer.
Spoiler : Enthalpy Dialogue :
Simon: (It's hard to believe it's been a few weeks since my last court case. Without Mr. York reminding me, I haven't exactly been diligent about getting back to journalism. ...Assuming I could even focus on that, with him still gone.)
Alex: Simon, you're never going to believe the scoop I have for us today!
Simon: Waah! You scared me half to death, Alex!
Alex: You talk like you're not even interested in it.
Simon: ...What? All I said was that I was startled by it. How did you get that impression?
Alex: Hey, if you keep up your stalling, we'll get beaten to this one!
Simon: (Ah, how could I forget?) Like Mr. York always said.
Alex: ...Exactly.
Simon: (So you too...)
Simon: Well, we can’t let them beat us to the story!
Alex: That’s the spirit! I got us into the Grand Prix 2000! Fantastic, isn't it?
Simon: Uh...
Alex: You don't even know what I'm talking about, do you?
Simon: Not at all!
Alex: It's the most famous race in the whole country! Haven't you seen the ads on TV?!
Simon: I'd rather pick up a book.
Alex: Luckily for you, all you need to do know is that interviews with the racers will sell papers! Now come on, let's go!
Simon: Fine, fine. Just fill me in on the way.

October 10th, 1:00 p.m. Grand Prix Race Track
Alex: Can you believe it?! We're actually here!
Simon: Given that you told me we’d be here...
Alex: Hush! You can’t appreciate just how exclusive this is!
Simon: Sure, it’s crowded, but--
Alex: The Grand Prix is only once a year, and tickets aren’t cheap. This is history in the making, after all!
Simon: Speaking of that, you said there was a story here?
Alex: We’ll find a racer to talk to in no time!
Simon: You didn’t have an interview set-up in advance?! We are here for a story, right?
Alex: Of course. Why else would we be here?
Simon: (Maybe not we so much as you... But just ignore the crowds. We can both do with some mindless entertainment, all things considered.)
Alex: Look, look! ACE RACER!
Simon: Please tell me that’s just a stage name.
Alex: Let’s ask! Mr. Racer, Mr. Racer!
Ace: Huh?
Alex: You have no idea how big a fan I am!
Ace: Good to--
Alex: Please, let me paper you for my interview!
Ace: What?
Alex: Big news—-
Simon: What my partner means to say is that we’re journalists and were wondering if we could interview you.
Ace: I love free publicity, but I have to get to the track, so if you’ll excuse me...
Alex: He left.
Simon: (I wonder why.)
Alex: But I talked to Ace Racer! Ace Racer!
Simon: Again, please tell me that’s a stage name.
Alex: Show some respect. He’s been the number two racer for five years running. Best there is, in my opinion!
Spoiler : What's The Difference? :
All your dialogue tells us about the characters is that Alex is very interested in the racing, and Ace, and Simon is not. My draft tells us that Alex and Simon are reacting to Mr. York's death in their own ways. Simon has lost motivation to do much of anything, while Alex is frantically throwing herself at anything so she isn't able to think about him. Simon is trying to play along with Alex, but is too much of an introvert to like the race. He puts up a try, deciding that some entertainment would be good for him, but he just can't bring himself to like it. Alex, meanwhile, notices none of what's going on with Simon but is race-crazy.
It's good that your characters have enough identity that they have quirks, but the next, crucial step is to think about what is going on in their heads and to make sure that comes out in your dialogue. Best of luck!
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
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Re: [T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●○○○

Post by AllWrighty »

Trial Day 1 has just hit the shelves ladies and gents. (: would love to hear feedback.
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Re: [T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●○○○

Post by GuardianDreamer »

I played through what's been released of this case series so far today. Enthalpy basically echoed my thoughts on the first case, so I'm going to focus on the second.
Spoiler : Second case investigation :
I'd encourage you to write a unique response for presenting Felix's profile to himself. It may just be me, but in general I find that the generic response tends to be very unfitting when presenting a character's own profile to them. You can even just have it be the same conversation that occurs when you select the "Felix Driver" conversation topic if you want. You could also do something similar with Speed Demone's profile and the "Speed Demone" conversation topic as well. This is also something you can do for the other people you can talk to during the investigation as well. About the only person whose generic response feels fitting when their own profile is presented is Alex's, since you ARE in a rush at that point.

I think you shouldn't have all the conversation options automatically revealed when talking to Felix. The average player's instinct WILL be to go from top-to-bottom (as you likely intended) but the way it works right now means it's very possibly for them to skip around instead. This is ultimately up to you, but I'd advise you to think about it.

Minor bug that I noticed: When I examined the "paparazzi" while in the same area as Lotta, Alex's sprite kept appearing behind Lotta's. You should hide Alex's sprite at the end of that conversation.
Spoiler : Trial Former :
Samuel's Spanish is much better than Klavier's German. This helps distinguish him from Klavier, and I'm glad you didn't go for the "bad Spanish" route. I'd like to see him be fleshed out more as time goes on.

I do like the "obstruction of bad humor" line. In general, I feel like the dialogue in this part flows better than the one in the investigation and case 1 for the most part. Props for that.

So this might be because I haven't watched the Fast and the Furious films, but the jokes about how the "Quick and the Quarreling" films TOTALLY don't have too many sequels feels a bit... Stretched out. It was fine in the investigation, but it feels like you could mix it up a bit when they get brought up again in the trial.

Ace's testimony in general works fine, including the follow-up presents. However, I kept trying to present the Car Keys early since I thought that was what I had to do. I'm not sure how, but maybe you can make it clearer that that's not what you're looking for? The other solution I can see is doing a unique response to presenting the Car Keys early that doesn't penalize you, but doesn't let you proceed either.

The end feels like it could be expanded a bit. Right now I mainly believe that Ace isn't guilty because I expect to defend him in the next trial part, basically using meta knowledge. When he's talking to himself about the wrench, or even just in Simon's thoughts, I feel like there are more opportunities for dialogue that would make the player slowly realize that something is up.
Overall, I really feel as though there's quite a bit of improvement as this series goes on, and I'm eager to see that continue. My main suggestion is rechecking some of the grammar, or to find a grammar checker. Having the dialogue flow better would make it easier to get invested into this series. Good luck!
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Re: [T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●○○○

Post by AllWrighty »

Thanks for the feedback, and I agree with everything you've said! Thanks for the tips (:
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