[T] Athena Cykes: Ace Attorney: Turnabout Ambassador

[keyz05]

Keyz05 presents... Athena Cykes: Ace Attorney! Watch Athena as she battles away for the truth all by herself when Mr. Wright is busy handling lawsuits piling up on his desk. So, Athena becomes the head lawyer now of the Wright Anything Agency!

~~~Episode~~~

Turnabout Ambassador
Former: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=91330
Latter: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=93101

Spoiler:

Spoiler : :

The guy at the end of Athena's story was a tragic villain responsible for the cases Athena took as well as being the last patient of Metis Cykes.

Ace Attorney 6 custom music owned by Broocevelt.

Credit for custom sprites goes to Apollogrimoire and Lind.

Credit for custom sounds goes to TheDoctor.

[Enthalpy]

Congratulations on releasing the first part of your game! I hope to play it and tell you what I think later this week.

In the meantime, I do have two formatting requests:
First, please add the necessary [T] and ○○○○○ per this topic.
Secondly, your picture of Athena is so large that it takes up most of the screen for me. Could you use something smaller or put that in a spoiler tag?

[Enthalpy]

I've started out the case, but I'm having a very hard time with it. There are quite a few sentences where I can't tell what you mean. Could you read over the script yourself and check that it all makes sense?

[keyz05]

I've started out the case, but I'm having a very hard time with it. There are quite a few sentences where I can't tell what you mean. Could you read over the script yourself and check that it all makes sense?

I needed room for most of the text to fit in the box... So, I wasn't able to get most of the sentences constructed well.

[Nicky Boy]

I've started out the case, but I'm having a very hard time with it. There are quite a few sentences where I can't tell what you mean. Could you read over the script yourself and check that it all makes sense?

I needed room for most of the text to fit in the box... So, I wasn't able to get most of the sentences constructed well.

You could split the sentences in two boxes, if that's what you mean.

[Hesseldahl]

So I started playing the case and I just one to comment that the sprites are credited wrong.
Lind and ApolloGrimoire who are the owners of the topics which collect various sets of sprites that are done by many users, they shouldn't be the ones you should be crediting for the sprites (Unless they made them):

Spoiler : Look :

See the part in red? That's the name of the person you should be crediting for the sprite of Blackquill for example.
And when it comes to Random Characters you may used, I recomend also checking who made the sprites:

Spoiler : :

http://orig03.deviantart.net/f1d0/f/201 ... as98v8.png

I also highlited in red the name of the person who made the sprite.

Please check who really made the sprites that you are using and credit them properly.

[Enthalpy]

I've started out the case, but I'm having a very hard time with it. There are quite a few sentences where I can't tell what you mean. Could you read over the script yourself and check that it all makes sense?

I needed room for most of the text to fit in the box... So, I wasn't able to get most of the sentences constructed well.

As Nicky Boy said, in a case like this, you can just split the text box in two. For example:

Code: Select all

Payne:
The defendant, Phoenix Wright,
took the victim, a customer...

Payne:
...and he hit him!  Wham!  On
the head!  Smack!  Killed him
cold.

But I don't think that running out of text is your problem. Just look at Ema Skye's first testimony:

Spoiler : Ema Skye's First Testimony :

1. The murder took place at People's Park when the Ambassador had made a speech about his country.

Grammatically, it isn't correct to use the past perfect of "make," "had made," here. Because you used the wrong tense, I can't tell when the murder occurred in relation to the ambassador's speech. Was it during the speech? Was it right after the speech finished, but while the ambassador was on stage? Was it after the speech finished and when the ambassador was no longer on stage? Even worse, I assume from your prologue that the ambassador was just about to start the speech, went to some unknown location, and then the gunshot happened. If the last one is what you mean, you should say that explicitly.

2. Around at that time, we heard a shot. Everyone was forced to run away in terror.

I can tell what you're saying, but the grammar is strange. "Around at" is bad syntax.

Worse, the sentence is ambiguous. Did they hear one shot or two? This line isn't clear.

3. Police arrived within minutes to see the whole place run up.

"To see the whole place run up" isn't standard. I didn't know what this meant before reading the press conversation.

4. An investigation was put in after the assassination attempt on the Ambassador, only find it a fake.

I can tell what you mean, but the grammar is awkward. I don't know why you're using "was put in" when you want the word "began." This is not a correct place to use "put in." You also say that an investigation found it fake, but your sentence only says the investigation began after the assassination attempt, not that they were investigating the attempt itself! This may sound pedantic, but it means that your sentence doesn't sound right. Might I suggest "The police investigated the assassination attempt and concluded that it was fake."

5. Besides the evidence we found at the scene, we found a bullet that was found outside the airplane.

We found a bullet that was found? Ugly! Try "Besides the evidence we found at the scene, we found a bullet outside the airplane."

6. As a result, we were confirmed by Prosecutor Payne that the Ambassador was the killer.

"We were confirmed by Prosecutor Payne" doesn't make sense here. The only time you say that a person was confirmed is when you're confirming an appointment. I think you mean, "As a result, Prosecutor Payne and the police concludes that ambassador was the killer."

There are some other parts that are vague, but just cleaning up the grammar would be a huge step forward.

[keyz05]

I've started out the case, but I'm having a very hard time with it. There are quite a few sentences where I can't tell what you mean. Could you read over the script yourself and check that it all makes sense?

I needed room for most of the text to fit in the box... So, I wasn't able to get most of the sentences constructed well.

As Nicky Boy said, in a case like this, you can just split the text box in two. For example:

Code: Select all

Payne:
The defendant, Phoenix Wright,
took the victim, a customer...

Payne:
...and he hit him!  Wham!  On
the head!  Smack!  Killed him
cold.

But I don't think that running out of text is your problem. Just look at Ema Skye's first testimony:

Spoiler : Ema Skye's First Testimony :

1. The murder took place at People's Park when the Ambassador had made a speech about his country.

Grammatically, it isn't correct to use the past perfect of "make," "had made," here. Because you used the wrong tense, I can't tell when the murder occurred in relation to the ambassador's speech. Was it during the speech? Was it right after the speech finished, but while the ambassador was on stage? Was it after the speech finished and when the ambassador was no longer on stage? Even worse, I assume from your prologue that the ambassador was just about to start the speech, went to some unknown location, and then the gunshot happened. If the last one is what you mean, you should say that explicitly.

2. Around at that time, we heard a shot. Everyone was forced to run away in terror.

I can tell what you're saying, but the grammar is strange. "Around at" is bad syntax.

Worse, the sentence is ambiguous. Did they hear one shot or two? This line isn't clear.

3. Police arrived within minutes to see the whole place run up.

"To see the whole place run up" isn't standard. I didn't know what this meant before reading the press conversation.

4. An investigation was put in after the assassination attempt on the Ambassador, only find it a fake.

I can tell what you mean, but the grammar is awkward. I don't know why you're using "was put in" when you want the word "began." This is not a correct place to use "put in." You also say that an investigation found it fake, but your sentence only says the investigation began after the assassination attempt, not that they were investigating the attempt itself! This may sound pedantic, but it means that your sentence doesn't sound right. Might I suggest "The police investigated the assassination attempt and concluded that it was fake."

5. Besides the evidence we found at the scene, we found a bullet that was found outside the airplane.

We found a bullet that was found? Ugly! Try "Besides the evidence we found at the scene, we found a bullet outside the airplane."

6. As a result, we were confirmed by Prosecutor Payne that the Ambassador was the killer.

"We were confirmed by Prosecutor Payne" doesn't make sense here. The only time you say that a person was confirmed is when you're confirming an appointment. I think you mean, "As a result, Prosecutor Payne and the police concludes that ambassador was the killer."

There are some other parts that are vague, but just cleaning up the grammar would be a huge step forward.

Hmm... Could give me examples on better grammer and which statements are more understandable for me, please?

[Enthalpy]

Are you asking because you're genuinely not seeing the problem?

If so, then you may just want to ask for a proofreader here. That would be a lot faster than me explaining every single problem to you.

[keyz05]

Are you asking because you're genuinely not seeing the problem?

If so, then you may just want to ask for a proofreader here. That would be a lot faster than me explaining every single problem to you.

Oh no... I just want examples of which testimony statements fit Ace Attorney and give it it's feel.

Also, I will credit the sprites at the latter of Case 1.

[Enthalpy]

Ferdielance and I wrote a tutorial on rules for cross-examinations and contradictions that may be what you're looking for.

There are only three "rules" that I think apply to all statements:
* The statement shouldn't be a waste. These are all followed.
* Be clearly consistent with the rest of the case. Keep your facts, characterization, and tone straight. I didn't get far enough in the case to judge this one, but you seemed to follow this.
* Keep the statements clear. I'm not finding most of these statements to be clear, but I can't tell just yet how much of the problem is grammar and how much isn't.

Let me know if you have any other questions.

[keyz05]

I have an ANNOUNCEMENT.

The latter for Case 1 is on delay because I'm currently working on an Independent Trial. But don't worry, I will return working on it. I just need to get this Independent Trial out of the way and then I'll resume with Athena Cykes: Ace Attorney.

Y'all have a great New Year!

[Enthalpy]

Did you have any additional thoughts on the recommendations I gave you?

[keyz05]

Did you have any additional thoughts on the recommendations I gave you?

No thoughts, at all.

[keyz05]

I finished Episode One, y'all! Horray! Horray!