Summary:
Mia Fey's life after the Hawthorne case has been a life-changer. Following her impact, she took on a case a bit to briefly tell her role as a Defense Attorney in today's nonsensical legal system. Can she prove her client's innocence and get on with her own life? Set during the Takumi-era games, during the original trilogy featuring everyone's favorite female Perry Mason lawyer!
Author's note:
This game isn't meant to be taken seriously and the case is fairly short with bits of lore into it. It's the recent case I made following the "Athena Cykes: Ace Attorney - Turnabout Ambassador" I made back in 2016. But this time, I managed to put enough effort into this one. Enjoy.
I don't own Ace Attorney. Copyright goes to Capcom.
I started playing through the case, and I see a lot of problems in wording just from the first few frames. For example,
Spoiler : :
(Why must I bother myself like this..?)
(I've been a Defense Attorney at Grossberg Law Officers for quite sometime.)
(As training paved off, I managed to be more recognized in the legal field.)
(Today's trial is gonna be a lot of more vivid than the past cases before.)
(My client is on it's way... Oh! Here she is!)
All five of those lines have problems, and those are just from the first ten frames. Did you proofread this case?
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
Enthalpy wrote:I started playing through the case, and I see a lot of problems in wording just from the first few frames. For example,
Spoiler : :
(Why must I bother myself like this..?)
(I've been a Defense Attorney at Grossberg Law Officers for quite sometime.)
(As training paved off, I managed to be more recognized in the legal field.)
(Today's trial is gonna be a lot of more vivid than the past cases before.)
(My client is on it's way... Oh! Here she is!)
All five of those lines have problems, and those are just from the first ten frames. Did you proofread this case?
I proofread this case, actually. I figured these were lines that were actually from the games itself. I know you encounter these problems in the plot dialogue, but I can justify it simply because I never meant to take this case seriously and serves as a good warm-up for whatever cases I want to make ahead in the future.
By the way, did you get to the trial section already? What was it like?
Example 1 has two periods and a question mark. If you meant to write an ellipsis, that needs three periods.
Example 2 has misspelled the word "Offices."
Example 3 has used "paved" rather than "paid."
Example 4 uses the word "of" for no reason, and I do not know what it means to say a trial is "vivid."
Example 5 uses the contraction "it's" instead of "its," but Mia knows her client's gender, so she should say "her."
Those are seven mistakes in just the first ten frames. Did you proofread for case to account for errors like these?
I did not start the trial. I will struggle to focus on the actual trial if this frequency of mistakes in individual sentences continues.
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
Enthalpy wrote:I don't mean that these lines have plot holes.
Example 1 has two periods and a question mark. If you meant to write an ellipsis, that needs three periods.
Example 2 has misspelled the word "Offices."
Example 3 has used "paved" rather than "paid."
Example 4 uses the word "of" for no reason, and I do not know what it means to say a trial is "vivid."
Example 5 uses the contraction "it's" instead of "its," but Mia knows her client's gender, so she should say "her."
Those are seven mistakes in just the first ten frames. Did you proofread for case to account for errors like these?
I did not start the trial. I will struggle to focus on the actual trial if this frequency of mistakes in individual sentences continues.
I didn't really see them as mistakes as you put them, but they're relaxed at the actual trial itself. For one thing, it's okay if an ellipsis has a question mark at the end of a period, such as "..?". And does Offices need an apostrophe? And she did work her way up at Grossberg Law "Offices" by paving the way of herself by becoming a good Defense Attorney. "Vivid" and "of" were to symbolize the upcoming case. And shouldn't "it's" always be this instead of "its"?
I took a writing course before and made these, yet my instructor/professor told me these were fine. So I can't really find these as errors in my book, despite your claims that they are.
I could refute all of your points, but I'll start with the easy ones.
I said you misspelled the word "Offices" because you wrote "Officers. I put the word in quotation marks (which are not apostrophes) to signal I was talking about a word. I did the same thing in every other example.
"it's" is a contraction. It should only be used when you mean "it is". "its" is a possessive. It should only be used when are taking about ownership. Just search for the phrase "it's vs its" on your search engine of choice.
I don't know why your teacher said this writing was fine, but it is not. These two are clearly errors. Do you at least recognize that?
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
Enthalpy wrote:I could refute all of your points, but I'll start with the easy ones.
I said you misspelled the word "Offices" because you wrote "Officers. I put the word in quotation marks (which are not apostrophes) to signal I was talking about a word. I did the same thing in every other example.
"it's" is a contraction. It should only be used when you mean "it is". "its" is a possessive. It should only be used when are taking about ownership. Just search for the phrase "it's vs its" on your search engine of choice.
I don't know why your teacher said this writing was fine, but it is not. These two are clearly errors. Do you at least recognize that?
Uh... Well... In the past, this was my writing style and I've never heard of anyone pointing out that those are mistakes. My teacher told me that a person's writing is usually this way from her standpoint and I got good grades from it. I don't see how I can fix it.
I’m a teacher, so Enthalpy asked me to take a look.
If I had to guess, I think what your teacher meant was not that you don’t make grammatical errors, but rather that everyone makes some errors when learning to write. In other words, it’s fine that your writing has some problems when you’re learning. I make errors in written material myself, and sometimes they even slip past a round of proofreading.
The trick is to figure out which mistakes you make most often, then to practice fixing them. For example, for a long time I tended to repeatedly misspell “separate” as “seperate”. To my eye and ear, that A “feels like” it should be an E. I had to practice thinking about it every time I wrote the word until spelling it in the accepted way felt more natural to me.
It is true that the rules of grammar are generally arbitrary, and an insistence on treating grammar as more important than ideas can stifle new writers. But grammar errors really can obscure what you’re trying to say.
I’d suggest working on this gradually. You’re not going to standardize the grammar overnight, and I don’t think you need to. That said, consider looking at one very common mistake: “its” vs “it’s”
Check through each place in the case where you use of those two, and think through whether you are correct. When you use “it’s”, the sentence should make sense if you replace the word with “it is.”
For example: “It’s hot outside.” = “It is hot outside.”
In contrast, “its” means that something belongs to something else. “Its” is similar to “his” and “her.”
Example: “The robot recognizes its owner.” Notice that “it is” wouldn’t work there. “The robot recognizes it is owner” isn’t what I meant to say.
Enth finds grammatical issues very distracting. As a teacher, I’m more used to them, but they still distract me unless there’s a good in-character reason for the nonstandard grammar.
An example of a line that’s grammatically nonstandard, but DOES work might be: “Officer, it’s my son! He’s - he’s on the floor and he’s bleeding and we need help!”
Grammatically, one should say “He’s on the floor, he’s bleeding, and he needs help!” But the ungrammatical lack of commas and repetition of “and” is clearly a deliberate trick to show that the speaker is rushed and panicking.
Swapping “it’s” and “its” would almost never be a deliberate dialogue trick, though. The two words sound alike.
I hope this gives you some ideas!
Edit: I spotted a mistake in my grammar and edited to fix. It happens to all of us.
"A slow sort of country!" said the Queen. "Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!"
Ferdielance wrote:I’m a teacher, so Enthalpy asked me to take a look.
If I had to guess, I think what your teacher meant was not that you don’t make grammatical errors, but rather that everyone makes some errors when learning to write. In other words, it’s fine that your writing has some problems when you’re learning. I make errors in written material myself, and sometimes they even slip past a round of proofreading.
The trick is to figure out which mistakes you make most often, then to practice fixing them. For example, for a long time I tended to repeatedly misspell “separate” as “seperate”. To my eye and ear, that A “feels like” it should be an E. I had to practice thinking about it every time I wrote the word until spelling it in the accepted way felt more natural to me.
It is true that the rules of grammar are generally arbitrary, and an insistence on treating grammar as more important than ideas can stifle new writers. But grammar errors really can obscure what you’re trying to say.
I’d suggest working on this gradually. You’re not going to standardize the grammar overnight, and I don’t think you need to. That said, consider looking at one very common mistake: “its” vs “it’s”
Check through each place in the case where you use of those two, and think through whether you are correct. When you use “it’s”, the sentence should make sense if you replace the word with “it is.”
For example: “It’s hot outside.” = “It is hot outside.”
In contrast, “its” means that something belongs to something else. “Its” is similar to “his” and “her.”
Example: “The robot recognizes its owner.” Notice that “it is” wouldn’t work there. “The robot recognizes it is owner” isn’t what I meant to say.
Enth finds grammatical issues very distracting. As a teacher, I’m more used to them, but they still distract me unless there’s a good in-character reason for the nonstandard grammar.
An example of a line that’s grammatically nonstandard, but DOES work might be: “Officer, it’s my son! He’s - he’s on the floor and he’s bleeding and we need help!”
Grammatically, one should say “He’s on the floor, he’s bleeding, and he needs help!” But the ungrammatical lack of commas and repetition of “and” is clearly a deliberate trick to show that the speaker is rushed and panicking.
Swapping “it’s” and “its” would almost never be a deliberate dialogue trick, though. The two words sound alike.
I hope this gives you some ideas!
Edit: I spotted a mistake in my grammar and edited to fix. It happens to all of us.
I'll keep that in mind, thank you. Did you play the case by any chance?
I decided to play through the whole case. I'll repeat that I had a hard time with it due to the issues with the writing that I mentioned previously. I encourage you to go back and make a point to start fixing those.
It sounds to me like there is something in the trial section that you specifically wanted to hear about. Can you tell me what that is?
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
Enthalpy wrote:I decided to play through the whole case. I'll repeat that I had a hard time with it due to the issues with the writing that I mentioned previously. I encourage you to go back and make a point to start fixing those.
It sounds to me like there is something in the trial section that you specifically wanted to hear about. Can you tell me what that is?
Not much, except that I wanted to hear your whole opinion throughout the case and how the witness was the culprit. The last question is, what is your overall opinion on the ending.
Finally, I might work on more cases soon. Maybe later in future time if I have the strength. Because writing can be a chore you know? Peace.
I'm a little confused by the ending. You have Diego and Mia talking, but wouldn't Diego have been in his Dahlia-induced coma by this point?
I also don't understand why we know the witness is the culprit. How does the card prove that the witness was the killer?
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
Yes, I played it! You've gotten the general hang of using music, sound effects, and sprites, but the writing is definitely a tricky point.
I think, all questions of grammar and word usage aside, the biggest problem is that the case seems very rushed. Not just short - short is fine! - but that the logic that takes Mia from one step to another is hurried. For example:
Spoiler : :
Why does the affadavit really show that the witness is guilty? We've not been told that the witness is a blackmailer and have no reason to think so. Why did the witness forget what side the victim was stabbed on if he was the culprit? And so on.
I think it might help to beta-test cases with someone and talk through the steps of logic a bit to make sure that they're as clear to the player as they are to you.
"A slow sort of country!" said the Queen. "Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!"
I understand I wasn't being specific in this case, but the answer lies to a sequel I have planned in the following time. It's currently in the thought process and I might release the first part sometime soon.
To begin, the culprit brokedown and falsely confess of him being the killer to cover a secret government organization that would involve in their plans. If the witness answered the card, he would dig further into them and would get them exposed. He actually didn't kill Officer Barnes and I have to dig further on that in the sequel.
As for the affidavit, it's the motive and the belief that the true murderer lured his victims through blackmail. Officer Jane Doe wrote this on the behalf of not just the police department, but on behalf of the organization, she works for. It's how the culprit lures his victims of officials in past cases. More on that in the sequel.
As for Diego and Mia, Diego discovers that the poison hasn't fully lingered into his body yet and is currently being treated at the Hotti Clinic. The sequel will reveal that it is the last time Mia is ever going to talk to Diego and that she may have to visit him during his coma. Like before, more on that in the sequel.
Thank you.
Last edited by keyz05 on Wed Apr 22, 2020 6:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
Second, if you want the player to be surprised that the case was much more complicated than they thought, I assume you want the player to be persuaded that the vigilante really did it?
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
