The most awesome things you have ever said.

[Lind]

Bringing this topic over from The Otaku 2.0.

Basically, as the title says, post anything you say you find particularly hilarious.

Copypasting a few of my best ones from the original thread:

Me: "I'm from Merry Old England. Pip pip, tally ho, spot of bother, cricket, big ben, sticky widget, b****es and hoes, crumpets and tea and all that."


Some dude: "That's just my two cents."
Me: "F*** your two cents."


Admin: "can I borrow a pair of chain cuffs?"
Me: "Sure! Just come the nice warehouse on 12th Street in New Dehli, where you will be met with some very nice people who will give you them."
Shiawa: "Can eye borrow a chair of pain cuffs?"
Me: "Sure! Just go to that warehouse where we harvest people's organs on 12th Street. You know the one. Bring anaesthetic."
Admin: "is Shiawa going to annoy me anytime in the near future?"
Me: "That depends. Would you define him helping me harvest your organs as annoying?"


Me: *Raises fist in the air* "BLACK POWER."
My idiot friend: *Nazi salute* "WHITE POWER."
Me: "...S***. Paper beats rock."


My HLP: "I could really go for something sweet right now."
Me: "If we weren't in public I'd pretend to unzip my trousers."
HLP: "Oh god, that reminds me. I read on Sankaku recently, that depending on whether you eat sweet or sour food..."
Me: "Oh god. I see where this is coming."

[beat]

Me: "...GOING! I MEANT GOING!"


HLP: "We can't go, I don't have money."
Me: "Wait, then what are you buying the pizza with?"
HLP: Money.

[beat]

Me: *mimes mind exploding*
HLP: We can pay them in sexual favours.
Me: I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a godsend for people like you. If you give me my pizza now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will blow you.


OK, your turn.

[DKJustice1]

Key SW = support worker.
Me : Did you know there is a law for taxi to carry Hay bails in the uk?
SW: No.
Me it is from the time they had horses and carriages.

SW oh

Me; The funny things is that it is still legal today.

[~Dataman~]

My friend had just left her boyfriend. I heard her telling it to my classmates, and:

Me: Why did you do it?
She: We had promised to go movies together, and he didn't show up. When I called him, he was playing some video game! There you have it.
Me: Surely the game costed more than tickets.
(Everyone else laughs, except her and me.)

[Phantom]

Phantom: You wanna know the most awesome thing ever said?

Chica: What?

Phantom: Take a guess.

Chica:....Hmm...I know! It's

[energizerspark]

In class we were marking each other's work.
Girl in class: "I can't read this writing!"
Me: "Should have gone to Specsavers."
(Entire class laughs)

[Ami]

Don't we already have a topic like this? I'm fairly sure we do. I'll look for it when I wake up more.

[eighthbit]

The other topic was made in order to avoid necroing this topic.

[Ami]

The other topic was made in order to avoid necroing this topic.

Ah. I'll go find it in a little bit, and do some merging.

[DLA]

We were reading about how some guy was assassinated by poison pellet through umbrella tip.
Teacher: Back in those days, these things were quite common.
Me: So the Penguin was running around stabbing people with his umbrella all the time?
Teacher: Yes, and every computer problem ever was the Riddler.
Note he said the last part with a completely serious tone, no sarcasm or anything.

[naagloshii]

I was walking with a friend when a REALLY LOUD truck zoomed past us.
Me: Why do they need to make their trucks so LOUD?!
Her: They're obviously compensating for something.
Me: Yeah... I mean, they can't make their GIRLFRIENDS be that loud...

[TrialmanAKASoma Cruz]

In Geography today, we were talking about non-renewable and renewable sources, and the lights were off so we could see the image our teacher she projected onto the whiteboard.

Teacher: As you can see, I have my lights off to save electricity.

Me: What about your computer?

And the class had a good laugh.

[Lind]

I was round a friend's house the other day and he had said he was going to make us all bacon once we all woke up in the morning.

I woke up just the teensiest bit and was barely able to think, and noticed that everyone else was up already, so I then immediately blurted out:

"INSTALL BACON!".

And then I went back to sleep.

[Rtaos Grimm]

I didn't personally say this but I feel like I need to share this.

John Sweeney from Panorama is in North Korea, he goes to a public library and asks for "1984" by George Orwell. And it turns out they only had one book: "Discovering Nutrition".

In my opinion, that was bloody genius.

[Sligneris]

*Reads the OP*
Hilarious, you say?
*Removes posts' content*

[Sleuth]

At the Puppy Store my Mom used to work at:

Owner: *Sees my arm brace* So, be honest; how'd it happen?
Me: Oh, this? I was wrestling a Bengal Tiger.
Owner: A Bengal Tiger? That must've been rough. But I guess we don't know what the tiger looked like.
Me: Yeah, PETA hates me now.
Owner: *laughs* Don't worry, they've hated me for years.