Enigma's Nanowrimo Journey Adventure Thing (Update 8/11)

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Enigma's Nanowrimo Journey Adventure Thing (Update 8/11)

Post by enigma »

So, I'm going to be attempting to write a novel for Nanowrimo. (No, I haven't joined yet because what if I can't make the deadline?) And so, like Zeta, I'm going to be putting up what I've got and let you all banter about what you think works, doesn't work, needs improving, is great and generally give me suggestions. More or less, this is my draft feedback thread for all of you to get a sneak peek at my Nanowrimo work. This is also where I want to hear whether or not I should submit this at all. It might be that my story is boring, cliche'd, etc. But, for now, you're free to see what I have done. So, sit back and relax as we enjoy watching Enigma write for a while and then probably give up.
Fog
Spoiler : :
- - -Chapter 1- - -

It started with a dame and a murder, as these things typically do. She walked into my office in winter and from the second I laid eyes on the broad I knew she was bad news. She was one of those woman who wore high-heels on their feet, a suit over their frame, make up on their face and a cheap nametag which read “Trouble” on their chest. I wasted no time to point to the sign as I lit up a cigarette.

“Place is closed. Check the door. It has been for a while now.”

She smiled at that. Thought it was amusing. She let out a chuckle, and fluttered her eyes like you’d expect from one of those old black and white films. One of those little actions that are supposed to ensnare men and melt their hearts. I wasn’t buying it.

“Then why, pray tell, are you still in your office, Mr. Colton?”

Damn. She had me there. Some stuff is nobodies business except your own, and just what exactly I was doing fit that category like a handmade glove. I picked up the papers on my desk and waved them around.

“Paperwork. See here? Taxes and cheques. Boring office work like a boring office provides.”

“I’m sure that The Omniscient wouldn’t have appreciated that little statement. After all, I hear that Minister Grave is a mite touchy on the subject of complaints.”

I tensed up and I could see knew what she was doing. God, why did she have to bring up Minister Grave and The Omniscient. That sardonic smile as she said those words.

“I see you’ve already removed the termites in here? The man likes his privacy, no?”

“You could say that.”

I’m a man of little words and many fears. I remember I was once told that fear is what makes us human and overcoming fear is what makes us strong. I was also once told that you could turn diamonds into ice by burying them in a box of snow. I took both of those claims with a grain of salt. In any case, I don’t like people watching me. What man does? It makes them feel like an animal at the zoo. Prowling around for The Omniscient’s entertainment. Or maybe arousal. I hear they have termites secretly installed in all showers. I wouldn’t put it past them. They’re sick people.

“So, just what secrets does such a fine and morally upstanding man as a licensed Attorney have that’s so dark that they have to cut off the cameras?”

That damn smile again. I gave a grunt and focused on my tobacco. But before we get to the actual meat, we’ve got to eat the potatoes first. Maybe I should have introduced myself earlier? But, maybe, I should have also bought that winning lottery ticket. Point is, this is where I introduce myself and I don’t care if I already jumped the gun.

My name is Erwin Colton. I’m an attorney. But, don’t take that word at face value. It’s not the men in stuffy blue suits who debate in courts of law that it used to be. No, that changed after the Civil War. Let me give you a little backstory on the word. New Chandler’s always been a den of weasels, rats and snakes. Corruption and poverty lined the streets. Men and woman bathed in sewage and the mafia ran the streets. Big Moranis was the guy who controlled the whole continent, including our city, back then. He had the whole government in his pocket. Funny, that. When he got shot down during the Civil War, he didn’t seem so big or powerful. Even the main players bleed red and turn pale white at the end of the day. Anyway, that was the hellhole I grew up in. My home city. The filthiest den of squalor and wasted technology this side of the globe. I hear there used to be a place called New York, the city that never sleeps. Well, in New Chandler, it wasn’t just the city. Neon signs, billboards that probably cost more than all of it’s consumers yearly wages combined, blaring noise from the announcement centers… Blimps with large speakers for broadcasting ads and news. No wonder I still have insomnia to this day. I’ll make a note to go get some pills for that, later.

Anyway, back then, the people were restless. Nights of no sleep, poverty and slick fat cats in tuxedos flipping through dirty money was just the right equation to spark up a revolution. That’s where it started. Soon the whole continent was fighting back. Bullets flew and dust and smog rose up and a mist of red sprayed over the place and all that jazz. Anyway, long story short, the people took power. Fun times. Note the level of sarcasm in the tone of my writing there? Good.

The man who rose to take the seat of power after the war was one Judge (now Minister) Graves. The man had charisma and brains, I’ll give him that. It wasn’t long until he implemented his own measures against crime and corruption to ensure we were all nice and safe and that the Civil War would never repeat. Also, probably so he could cover up his own blatant corruption and criminal activity. But, at least we had some measures. Sadly, those measures were to make it so that we’re all watched and monitored 24/7. We even have special tiny, tiny bombs planted into us so he can kill us with the push of a button. And how he reminds us. Every building is covered head to toe in his massive television screens playing his propaganda and threats.

That wasn’t his only measure. He also set up his two “Groups of Divine Law”. Think of it as his answer to what was called the police force. The Attorneys and The Omniscient. The Omniscient are best described as phantoms. You never see them, but, hell, do we know they exist. The Omniscient are the real eyes of Minister Grave. They watch, and they kill. You screw up, you complain, you commit a crime… They press their shiny red button and you explode into a bunch of pretty red fireworks. Needless to say, no-one, messes with them.

The Attorney’s, like me, are more like detectives then the previous sense of the term. We’re the guys who the people go to for justice. Or, as close as they can get. I’m not going to lie. Most of us are corrupt as hell and so deep in the pocket of Grave that we can smell his sweat. You come to one of us. You tell us your story. We head out and investigate and prove the innocence or guilt of whatever poor schmuck got involved in this. No need for courts, by the way, The Omniscient and Grave are always watching.

The process to get us on your case is surprisingly straightforward, by the way. A crime happens. No-one’s been exploded. And your case appears on the list the screens show every two hours. Boom. You go to one of us and ask us to solve the problem. We poke around, snoop, that kind of thing and then we find ourselves our guilty party. Then The Omniscient push their button. Simple stuff.

Anyway, that was way too long a detour. Let’s get back to the dame and that cold, grey, winter day in my office. There’s no point in saying what I did when we last left off. I said nothing. As far as the broad can be concerned, I have no secrets. Maybe I’m just a paranoid nut who ripped out all The Omniscient’s bugs. Maybe I just really, really like my privacy. Hail and snow whipped against my window, rattling it.

“So… You’re not going to tell me, then?”

“If I told you what they were, they wouldn’t exactly be secrets would they.” I tipped my hat down over my face and grinned. The dame looked at her necklace.

“Tch. And I figured that you would be the kind to speak easily and truthfully.’ She finally took a seat. Her legs must have been killing her.

“Sorry, but no-one ever tells the truth these days. And, as for talking, that’s just not my schtick.”

“Shame. You have such a lovely voice.”

“…Look. I’m not stupid. You don’t get this kind of job by being an idiot. Flattery will get you nowhere Miss….”

“Eternevoir.”

“Right. Miss Eternevoir. If you have a case, hurry up and cut to the chase or let me retire for the evening. I’ve got a date with a drink or two.”

“So, men DO drink like fish. All the stereotypes were true.” She gasped in mock incredulity.

“Sorry to disappoint, but it’s just regular coffee. The caffeine helps me focus.”

“Huh. You don’t say…”

For a while the office went quiet as she dug through her handbag. Eventually, she pulled out a wad of neatly, bundled papers and slid it over to my side of my desk.

“You asked me to cut to the chase.” She responded without prompt. Damn. She must have guessed what I was thinking. “You meant that you wanted to know what you’d be paid, no?”

“…Go on. I’m listening.”


“In this bundle is about enough ration cards to ensure that you won’t want for anything ever again. All you have to do, is do one little case for me.”

Amongst the waft of her expensive perfume, I smelled the toxic scent of lies.

“One little case, huh? In my experience, people don’t offer this much for finding their lost cat.”

She was silent for a bit. I noticed she had a nervous tic. The second I spoke she was tapping her false, red nails against her knee like she was some kind of jackhammer.

“…I want you to find the killer of Conwell Slate.”

I let a low whistle escape my lips.

Conwell Slate is, or was as it seems, the head of Slate Necessities. One of the most successful, that is to say government linked, businesses. Slate was Uncle Scrooge and we were Dewey, Hewey and Louey. He had so much power and influence, he could shoot a man in broad daylight and get out of it without even a scratch.

Probably because the whole damn continent depended on Slate. His company wasn’t called Slate Necessities for nothing. His deal was that he sold absolutely everything that was necessary for survival, food and water and all that jazz, at ridiculously high prices while simultaneously destroying every other business who dared to sell anything he was selling.

“So, Slate kicked the bucket, then?”

“…I think so. The list had his name, so it must be so.”

“Hrmm… Miss Eternevoir, you are aware that this was a man with so many ration cards he practically had a direct link to Minister Grave’s personal printer?”

“I am.”

“You are, I assume, also aware that he had as many enemies as ration cards?”

“I am fully aware of that, Mr. Colton.”

“And you expect me to take on as ridiculously difficult a case as this… why, exactly? I mean, besides the payment.”

“Because… I hear that you get results. You have a proven track record. And, you love a challenge.”

“Close. But I grew tired of challenges when I realised something about them.”

“And what was that?”

“Challenges, you see, are called challenges because they are challenging.”

I flicked my cigarette out the window and onto the white snow. It landed silently.

“I’m afraid I’m closed. Come back another time when you have a case that doesn’t require me to leave the office.”

The dame started softly crying. I hate it when they do that. I should have kicked her out the second she walked through that door.

“Mr. Colton. You don’t understand. Conwell was my fiancée. I deserve to have some closure about who did this.”

She held out her hand to show me a shining ring. Seemed expensive. Shame most expensive things look tackier than the cheap stuff. I sighed.

“I’ll look into it. But the second I hit a dead end, I’m off the case. Understand?”

She nodded and handed me a scrap of paper with a set of numbers on it.

“CNID-72? And this would be?”

“His government log number. You know, for the database.”

“Oh god. You don’t expect me to trawl through days upon god knows how many hours of data to find a clue there, do you?”

She was stunned at my response. I get that a lot. In the age of technology why would anyone choose not to use it? But, then again, everyone else probably buys the whole pack of lies that’s contained in the government databases.

“Look, if I’m going to track down your fiancées killer, I’m going to be doing it the way I usually do. And that means I’m going to be grabbing my coat and searching for clues.”

“…You are a very strange man, Mr. Colton.”

“You don’t know the half of it.”

And with those parting words, she picked up her coat and left the office leaving nothing but a scent of expensive perfume and a hot trail right into the seedy underbelly of New Chandler.

----Chapter 1: End----
Last edited by enigma on Fri Nov 08, 2013 3:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Enigma's Nanowrimo Journey Adventure Thing

Post by ZetaAzuel »

Glad to see that you're trecking on the adventure to 50k mate. Alright, I will do the dutifull thing and give my opinions on the first chapter.
Spoiler : Opinions~ :
The sotry itself seems rather interesting, though I'm not exactly sure as to what is going to happen to really what kind of conflict is going to occour, I have a feeling it has to do with thier this woman or something to do with the Omniscene and the Minister guy. I'm thinking that this is either going to turn into one of those revolutionary stories, not that it bothers me if it does turn into that but if it does I just hope that you add some kind of interesting twist to it. Through the concept of the Attorney and the Omniscent. I guess each place has to have its ways of destroying uprisings.

Personally however, I don't like it when concepts of the story are done in a way like this. And by that I mean I don't like it when the MC introduces himself to the reader, unless the reader is a character in the story (as in the MC is telling a story to someone else.) I would have prefered it if we got some of this information through dialouge. At least Erwin could have introduced himself like that. His thoughts on the Omniscent and the Minister I thikn would've been okay done through inner monolouge as you've done here. But it's a personal preference. I just feel like we're being taken out of the dystopia atmosphere for too long when the MC goes on and on about stuff that could experianced through the settign and through actions rather than a monolouge.

I'd say more but chapter 1 is well... chapter 1, I ca'nt really make many other comments about the characters until I see more about them. At best I can tell that Erwin is rather pranoid, but is somewhat smooth... at leats that's the vibe that I get from him.

That aside, I see that as being a pretty interesting story if you keep up at it. So I do hope that you update veryday (like me : 3) so that I can track your progress among other things. Also, since I'm Zeta, I'm obviously not going to harp on you about grammar or anything like that, I'm just gonig to focus on whether to story makes sense, flows smoothly, or if there are ways I think that you could clean it up. And that's just my two cents for chapter one.
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Re: Enigma's Nanowrimo Journey Adventure Thing

Post by enigma »

ZetaAzuel wrote:Glad to see that you're trecking on the adventure to 50k mate. Alright, I will do the dutifull thing and give my opinions on the first chapter.
Well, let's hope I get there. XP At least I'm trying, right? XD
Spoiler : Opinions~ :
The sotry itself seems rather interesting, though I'm not exactly sure as to what is going to happen to really what kind of conflict is going to occour, I have a feeling it has to do with thier this woman or something to do with the Omniscene and the Minister guy. I'm thinking that this is either going to turn into one of those revolutionary stories, not that it bothers me if it does turn into that but if it does I just hope that you add some kind of interesting twist to it. Through the concept of the Attorney and the Omniscent. I guess each place has to have its ways of destroying uprisings.
Well, this is more of a Film Noir meets 1984 inspired/based book. So, while there may be some revolutionary undertones it's more about the dystopian setting and the mystery/conspiracy. Of course, that's not to say that there WONT be any uprisings. Just that it's not the main focus.

Personally however, I don't like it when concepts of the story are done in a way like this. And by that I mean I don't like it when the MC introduces himself to the reader, unless the reader is a character in the story (as in the MC is telling a story to someone else.) I would have prefered it if we got some of this information through dialouge. At least Erwin could have introduced himself like that. His thoughts on the Omniscent and the Minister I thikn would've been okay done through inner monolouge as you've done here. But it's a personal preference. I just feel like we're being taken out of the dystopia atmosphere for too long when the MC goes on and on about stuff that could experianced through the settign and through actions rather than a monolouge.
Yeah... I think it's a stylistic/genre thing where the MC is the narrator and introduces himself because the Phillip Marlowe stories do that, last I checked. I know I probably delved too deep into setting too early on but that's mainly so I don't have to explain too much about New Chandler's history and stuff later when exciting things are happening.

I'd say more but chapter 1 is well... chapter 1, I ca'nt really make many other comments about the characters until I see more about them. At best I can tell that Erwin is rather pranoid, but is somewhat smooth... at leats that's the vibe that I get from him.
Paranoid, hm? Interesting. I don't think I tried to write him that way. As for smooth, that's probably just a result of the archetypal Noir detective I'm trying to write here. :3

That aside, I see that as being a pretty interesting story if you keep up at it. So I do hope that you update veryday (like me : 3) so that I can track your progress among other things. Also, since I'm Zeta, I'm obviously not going to harp on you about grammar or anything like that, I'm just gonig to focus on whether to story makes sense, flows smoothly, or if there are ways I think that you could clean it up. And that's just my two cents for chapter one.
Alright. Thanks for your feedback and, as you can see, I will be attempting to update everyday.
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Re: Enigma's Nanowrimo Journey Adventure Thing (Update 8/11)

Post by LunchPolice »

Good luck dude! You've a stronger resolve than me.
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